Roles in Relationships

This presentation really got everyone talking.  The survey spurred some thoughts about traditional roles in relationships versus a more egalitarian relationship.  I think that the survey probably needed to be a little more specific in the way the questions were asked because there are so many different types of family structures.  We have a lot of overlap in the chores that my family does.  My mom works longer hours than my dad does so despite my dad’s subpar cooking skills, he had to step up to the plate and handle some of the cooking in the house.  My brother and I grew up doing the exact same chores.  We both did the weeding and the dish washing.  No work should be considered “woman’s work” or a “man’s job.”  It should be about compromising and doing what’s best for the family in that situation. 

Our class is certainly leaning towards a more egalitarian view of relationship roles.  I thought that it was interesting how the main couple in the video we watched were portrayed.  The man was shown as the nurturer, and the woman was depicted as the provider.  I realize what they were trying to portray to the public, but it’s funny how they had to make them completely opposite of the stereotypical roles.  It’s as if they had to do a complete role reversal in order to prove to society that this could work.  I would have preferred to see something where they were equally helping each other with whatever task they were performing.  That video made it look like it was all for show.

The roles in a relationship are dynamic not static.   They can and will change over the course of the relationship.  Assuming Abe and I stay together, while I am in medical school, he will be the provider, but when I get out it will be more balanced.  Perhaps when we have kids, he will cut back on his hours and be the more of the stay-at-home dad.  Of course this is hard to determine now, but I know that we will compromise.  He loves to cook, and I love to clean.  You have to be willing to compromise in a relationship if you want it to work.  

Contested Spaces

Coming Apart was an interesting excerpt because it dares to talk to about pornography, which is sometimes a difficult topic.  I don’t really know much about pornography, but this passage made a comment that really stuck with me.  They refer to white women as ‘objects’ and black women as ‘animals’.  Neither of these characterizations is acceptable.   Objects and animals? I’m cringing at the thought of these words.  They are so hurtful, and they reinforce the negative way that women are treated.  The husband doesn’t realize the implications of his actions.  He brings home these pornographic magazines that do nothing but make his wife feel like an animal.  He puts more distance between the two of them until they eventually they have to take a break.  I had no idea that the root of pornography was with black women.  I should have inferred this because of slavery and the vicious treatment that they endured. 

The other article that I would like to discuss with this is Cudd’s Oppression by Choice.  In this article, Cudd argues that social structures can lead to oppression and that oppressed people continue their own oppression, reinforcing it.  This seems like an awful cycle where women are coerced to make decisions based on the social institutions that are shaping the way they live.  I particularly enjoyed the hypothetical situation between Larry and Lisa.  It makes perfect sense how together they decided to do something that they thought was for the best interest of the family, but in the end, this decision put Lisa on an unequal playing field with Larry, leaving her susceptible to subjugation.  The worst part about this was that the wage gap was what led them to the decision they made.  It’s ridiculous that men on average make 64% more than women when they’ve had the same amount of education. 

One of the important factors of oppression is that someone must be the oppressor and someone must be the oppressed.  You would think that it would be an easy cycle to end.  Treat everyone with respect and there would no longer be an oppressor or and oppressed.  So why is it so difficult for us to do this?  Unfortunately, people are very power hungry, and this drive for power makes people stop at nothing to get to the top.  Or people use the oppressed to feel better about their lives.  They go do mission trips for the wrong reasons.  The anecdote that Celia mentioned in class about the student who hoped that the oppressed people would still be there so her kids could experience the same thing was very upsetting.  Clearly, the goal of the trip was not to help the oppressed get out of their oppression…

Transgender

I was really glad that we had a transgender presentation because I was completely unknowledgeable in that area.  It is hard to understand how someone feels when you are not in his or her situation.  We are so quick to judge things as being weird or abnormal.  But we who defines what normal is?  I’m happy that Andie came and spoke to our class. I really enjoyed hearing what she had to say and having the opportunity to understand where she is coming from. I wish that people were more open-minded.  Andie is a wonderful girl and should be proud of who she is but instead has to endure difficult situations everywhere she turns. 

We are all humans when it comes down to it.  Who cares whether your sexual preference is male, female, or both?  Who cares what gender you identify with?  You should be accepted for who you are.  I think that the new model that they are forming is a strong starting block for how to describe gender.  It certainly should not be seen in a linear way.  I like that they are taking into considerations attributions, identity, and expression.  I am somewhat surprised that there isn’t already a model similar to this.  The nice thing with this model is that it takes into accounts several factors of gender as opposed to the linear model. 

I had never thought of gender in a fluid way, but it certainly makes sense.  Aspects of my personality are more masculine and some are more feminine.  Certain aspects change from day to day as well.  Before this class, I viewed gender in a very linear way.  I thought it was black and white, but I have come to learn that there is much more to it than that.  The only that I still have a hard time understanding is the assigning of the 0 instead of feminine or masculine.  I cannot grasp how something is completely gender neutral.  I don’t think that they are polar opposites, but I feel like you identify, express, and attribute just a little more towards the masculine or feminine side.  I wish I could get in the head of someone who does view the world in an entirely gender neutral way. 

Putting the shoe on the other foot is a difficult thing to accomplish, so it was nice having Andie there.  I wish that we had more time so we could have learned more.  Andie told me after class that in the United States if you go through a sex change, they make you sterile so you cannot have kids.  In Europe though you are allowed to have kids.  I wanted to share this on my blog because I was unsure of this so I asked, and I imagine that other people may have also been wondering the same thing.

The Media

 We quickly come to stereotype people from other different areas and cultures of the world.  When I think of an Asian woman, I think of a tiny woman with the traditional kimono, her hair in bun with chopsticks, and her feet wrapped.  Stereotype.  When I think of a Latino woman, I think of the spicy woman dressed in provocative clothing speaking very quickly and fiercely.  Where do I get these cultural perceptions when I have never been to Asia or Latin America?  The media.  The media does a great job of lumping people of several different cultures into one identity.  They try to put a face to an entire continent, when in reality there are a million different cultures and types of people on each continent. 

Who makes up the media?  How do they have the power to control cultural perceptions?  They can easily place a positive or negative image on an entire area of the world with one picture.  The fact that I was asked in Armenia if my life was like Sex and the City is a prime example.

When you turn on the news, what do you see?  Awful things.  The majority of what the media portrays are these negative images of people, places, ideas, etc.  I can’t remember the last time that I saw them highlight the positive things that people are doing around the world to improve society.  Unfortunately society doesn’t like to see the positive things.  We like to see that Tyra put on 50lbs or that Angelina lashed out at baby Shiloh.  That’s what we read when we pick up the magazines.  It is an ugly cycle that the media feeds on.  Everyone likes to watch the celebrities and higher officials fail.  Every time I turned on ESPN after the Tiger Woods scandal, they were releasing some new information about this girl or that girl.  This story went on for months upon months.  Why?  Because people were entertained by someone else’s failure. 

It’s crazy to think that the media has as much of an influence as they do.  They have the power to change people’s ideas and impressions.  It would be interesting to see what would happen if they started displaying the positive things.  Showing the positive things that are going on in society might make a happier world.  We would be more globalized if we just accurately understood other cultures.  Thanks to the media for inaccurately portraying cultures and feeding off of other people’s failures.

The Art of Parenting

Well I may not be a parent, but since I have parents I guess that makes me somewhat qualified to discuss this topic.  I think the key thing to remember when it comes to parenting is that you do your best, and you need to trust that the guidance you gave your child will help him or her make good decisions.  In the end, we all make good and bad decisions.  The important factor is that we learn from our mistakes. 

My parents both work full time jobs so they did not do the “attached parenting” thing, and I had a babysitter, who they trusted.  My mom and I talk about parenting in reference to how she tried to raise my brother and me and in terms of how I would want to raise my future children.  She always tells me that it is important to guide your children but at the same time allow them to be independent enough to make decisions on their own.  My parents feel that it is critical for us to understand the importance of working hard.  If we gave our best in the classroom and at home, we were given more opportunities to be independent and to use this newfound freedom to learn and grow.  My parents gave us a $5.00 a week allowance for all of the chores we did so that we would learn the value of money.  If we wanted to go to the movies or buy a game, we had to save our allowance, until we were old enough to get a job to pay for our activities and wants.  My parents challenged us to pursue our strengths and improve on our weaknesses.  Above all, they just wanted us to be good people and treat others with the same respect that we ask in return. 

Two thing that bother me are carrying a child around as an accessory as in Jong's Mother Madness and seeing the books about “how to be a great mom.”  A child should not accent the clothes that you are wearing or be used to prove a point. Motherhood isn’t one of those things that you follow by the book.  Each child is different and requires a different type of nurturing.  There’s no one-way to do it.  No one should try to tell another mother how to raise their child like or require breast-feeding like Gisele Bundchen wants in Mother Madness.  If there were a lab manual on how to raise children that actually work, we’d have a bunch of angels running around.  I’ve yet to see that so I think we need to treat each child as an individual and raise that individual to the best of our ability and hope that we did the best that we could.  There will be days that they fall, but it’s important to be there to pick them up and put them back on their path.

The Talk

When I was in 4^th grade, my mom had to attend a meeting where they distributed period kits and explained to the mothers how they were supposed to talk to their daughters.  Awkward? Yes.  Then high school came along, and our gym/ health teacher decided that it was unimportant to talk about sex education.  However, we were required to talk either “Childcare” or “Family Living.”  In the childcare class they did they whole “this is how babies are born” thing, and then in the family living class, we learned how to handle joint issues like money.  What I learned about sex education came mostly from my peers, but I have a great relationship with my parents so I felt comfortable having mature conversations with them.  At this point in my biology career, I think they knew that I understood what happened. 

As in the New York Times article, Sex Ed in Washington, the debate continues as to what type of sex education program the government should be investing in.  The two main types of programs are abstinence-only and contraceptive-orientated.  I think that the best approach is to do a combination of the two because you are going to have students that respond better to each of them.  No one program is going to meet each student’s needs.  With a combination approach, you are more likely to meet the needs of each student.  This way they realize that it is okay to abstain from sex, but at the same time if you are going to be sexually active, it is important to be protected.  They also need to learn what is protection and what protection is protecting you from what.  I think that it is important to have role models in each of these groups so students can see that being a virgin is cool or that you can have responsible sex and not be a labeled a slut.  It would also be beneficial to have someone come in and talk that had a child at an early age so that the students understand the consequences of making the decision to be sexually active.  I know that some of the shows on TV like 16 and Pregnant are a little racy, but I also think that it is important for those stories to be shared so that teenagers can be educated when making a decision about sex.   

Rape/ Sexual Assault

“Rapes were not rare and isolated acts committed by individual Serbian or Yugoslav forces, but rather were used deliberately as an instrument to terrorize the civilian population, extort money from families and push people to flee their home,” concluded Human Rights Watch.  The fact that this continues to happen as a war tactic shows that we have a very corrupt society that needs to wake up and realize that these women have families just like the women in their lives do.  I can’t even imagine what these women went through.  Hearing Drita’s story about being dragged away from her home broke my heart.  I would never feel safe again.  This reminded me of being at Geisinger this summer when a 17-year-old girl came in and was have suicidal thoughts because she had lost her mother and her stepbrother was raping her.  She seemed so fragile, and I don’t know how you can help someone out of a situation like that.  She will constantly struggle with trust issues and will always feel as the article says, “ruined.” 

The other thing that really bothers me about this article is that these women are so afraid to talk about their sexual assault because they terrified that they will be blamed for what happened.  The married will be banished and the single will never find a husband.  They must feel so trapped.  We are fortunate to have outlets that make people feel comfortable.  I feel very lucky to have people who I can turn to in times of need.  On the other hand, these women have to hide their beauty with dirt and hair so they will not be selected out of a crowd to be assaulted.  These women have such graphic nightmares.  I don’t know if I would ever be able to sleep again.  Not only is their world torn apart through the physical destruction of their home and village, but also the emotional destruction. 

When I was reading 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa, this same topic came up.  Some of the women were raped but they would not tell their husbands for the fear of them being exiled.  Thus, they spread AIDS to their husband and their children.  In other cases, when the husband was sleeping with prostitutes and his wife, he would blame the wife for giving him AIDS and then banish her, when in reality it was the prostitute who spread it. He did not want to be caught as the bad guy so it was easier to blame it on the woman.